"When Did My Heart Get so Petrified?"

Graves may not be the best idea for me...I have WAY too much time to think...

So there's this song by Caedmon's Call called "Petrified Heart" that's been on my mind quite a lot lately. The lyrics are really solid - you should listen to the whole thing. But for now, it's the first verse and chorus that are on my mind:

"This old heart's been left
Out on my sleeve
And I have paid as it's been rent
Into pieces
Seems everyone
I've loved has
Taken a bit of my insides
I'm scattered as the woman whose body
Was torn for the twelve tribes

"When did my heart get so petrified
When did it get so hard to feel
When did my heart get so afraid to love
When did it get so hard"

Anyone that knows me knows that I have a hard time letting people into my circle. Sure, I can listen to anyone talk about their innermost whatevers, but when they ask me to do the same, it's hard - I don't like it, and I don't want to do it. Most of the time I don't. Sometimes I go superficial - tell people what's going on in the surface of my life. There are very few people that I'll talk to fully.

Why is it so hard? Why am I so afraid to let people in? And when did all this happen? I can't remember a time when I was not closed off. I remember times when I let a few people in, and trust was broken. Maybe that's it. Maybe it's because I'm afraid to trust, and in turn I am afraid to love and to feel. I feel my heart getting harder and harder towards people because it's too hard to love them and to feel for them because people make mistakes and break trust and disappoint you. But is that any way to live? My head wants me to go for it; my heart won't let me. But hey, don't tell anyone, alright? Wouldn't want to let anyone in my circle...;-)

Work has been insanely crazy. School starts on the 2nd, so the kids are going for their last summer fling before school. Problem is, they keep getting caught and ending up here at Cornerstone. We've had a full house consistently for the past week, and everyone says it's not going to slow down any time soon. While this job is by far the hardest thing I've ever done, and my heart breaks every day I walk into work, I'm finding that I'm good at this. I'm good at working with delinquent kids and kids that have seen more and done more than I know exist. But then I think back to the song. I don't feel when these kids are talking to me. You have to harden yourself to their attitudes and their circumstances and their choices, because if you don't, you won't survive. Don't get me wrong: my heart truly does break for the kids - they have so much crap in their lives that I can't even imagine how they are still functioning. But my game face goes on every time I walk into work. "When did my heart get so petrified? When did it get so hard to feel? When did my heart get so afraid to love? When did it get so hard?"

On a lighter note!

Tuesday I got a very unexpected phone call. Kevin (the set-up guy) called! Slight freak-out moment. He called to see if I wanted to play Frisbee golf. I still hadn't learned how to throw a frisbee, so I gave him fair warning. Long story short, we played, his friends joined us, and I learned to throw a frisbee. He was a great teacher - very patient. I could learn a few things from this guy... I'm not good, but at least the frisbee stays in the course! It was a great afternoon...that's all I'll say about it now.

Hope you are all doing well! I miss you still! Love you too!

Blessings!