"When Did My Heart Get so Petrified?"

Graves may not be the best idea for me...I have WAY too much time to think...

So there's this song by Caedmon's Call called "Petrified Heart" that's been on my mind quite a lot lately. The lyrics are really solid - you should listen to the whole thing. But for now, it's the first verse and chorus that are on my mind:

"This old heart's been left
Out on my sleeve
And I have paid as it's been rent
Into pieces
Seems everyone
I've loved has
Taken a bit of my insides
I'm scattered as the woman whose body
Was torn for the twelve tribes

"When did my heart get so petrified
When did it get so hard to feel
When did my heart get so afraid to love
When did it get so hard"

Anyone that knows me knows that I have a hard time letting people into my circle. Sure, I can listen to anyone talk about their innermost whatevers, but when they ask me to do the same, it's hard - I don't like it, and I don't want to do it. Most of the time I don't. Sometimes I go superficial - tell people what's going on in the surface of my life. There are very few people that I'll talk to fully.

Why is it so hard? Why am I so afraid to let people in? And when did all this happen? I can't remember a time when I was not closed off. I remember times when I let a few people in, and trust was broken. Maybe that's it. Maybe it's because I'm afraid to trust, and in turn I am afraid to love and to feel. I feel my heart getting harder and harder towards people because it's too hard to love them and to feel for them because people make mistakes and break trust and disappoint you. But is that any way to live? My head wants me to go for it; my heart won't let me. But hey, don't tell anyone, alright? Wouldn't want to let anyone in my circle...;-)

Work has been insanely crazy. School starts on the 2nd, so the kids are going for their last summer fling before school. Problem is, they keep getting caught and ending up here at Cornerstone. We've had a full house consistently for the past week, and everyone says it's not going to slow down any time soon. While this job is by far the hardest thing I've ever done, and my heart breaks every day I walk into work, I'm finding that I'm good at this. I'm good at working with delinquent kids and kids that have seen more and done more than I know exist. But then I think back to the song. I don't feel when these kids are talking to me. You have to harden yourself to their attitudes and their circumstances and their choices, because if you don't, you won't survive. Don't get me wrong: my heart truly does break for the kids - they have so much crap in their lives that I can't even imagine how they are still functioning. But my game face goes on every time I walk into work. "When did my heart get so petrified? When did it get so hard to feel? When did my heart get so afraid to love? When did it get so hard?"

On a lighter note!

Tuesday I got a very unexpected phone call. Kevin (the set-up guy) called! Slight freak-out moment. He called to see if I wanted to play Frisbee golf. I still hadn't learned how to throw a frisbee, so I gave him fair warning. Long story short, we played, his friends joined us, and I learned to throw a frisbee. He was a great teacher - very patient. I could learn a few things from this guy... I'm not good, but at least the frisbee stays in the course! It was a great afternoon...that's all I'll say about it now.

Hope you are all doing well! I miss you still! Love you too!

Blessings!

Nothing Better to Do...

I've gotten quite a few calls and emails about me not updating the blog...I'm so sorry!  It's not that I haven't had any time to update it - it's that nothing truly exciting has happened since I last posted.  I wish something exciting would have happened.  It's been work and sleep and the Olympics for me.

Speaking of the Olympics, how amazing is Michael Phelps?  I know EVERY girl is in love with the guy, but seriously - eight out of eight golds, seven world records, and one olympic record in a matter of days?  That's a gift if I ever saw one.  And Bryan Clay won the gold in the Decathlon.  It wasn't shown on NBC up here.  Bryan went to APU and comes by every once and a while to talk to the students there.  He's a really nice guy - I've talked to him a couple times.  It's pretty cool to have a gold medalist from the same college I went to.  I was reading my friend Holly's blog, and she captured the amazingness of having a gift and using it.  She talked about people having found what they are good at - the gifts God has given them - and then using those gifts to the best of their abilities.  Like, eight for eight golds?  Then Holly gave a challenge that I wonder about myself: "I want people to look at me and say, 'Wow.  She found her element.'"  Will I be in my element and be worthy of a gold at the end of the day?  I don't know.

Life in Alaska.  Like I said, there's not really a whole lot to report on.  There are changes coming in work, but I don't know what they are yet.  Pray for wisdom there...It's raining a lot, and I love every minute.  I've gone out and gotten soaked a few times...Oh, and I found a great coffee shop and a great place to get a homemade milkshake - so good!  This could be dangerous...

I finally met the guy that my landlords wanted to set me up with - Kevin.  Super nice guy.  Very kind, gentle, and tall!  I had dinner with him, his dad, his sister, brother-in-law, nephew, and my landlords.  We didn't really get to talk a whole lot, but it was a fun night anyway.  Connie, my landlord, gave him my phone number, so we'll see what happens.  I'm not expecting anything, but we'll see.

That's about all my adventures.  Hopefully I can do some more crazy fun things soon.  Thanks for your prayers and thoughts!  I love every comment, email, and phone call!

Miss you and love you!

Blessings!

Thoughts During Grave Shift

I have a lot of time to think when I work weekend graves here at Cornerstone. So many questions pop in my mind: are there bears right outside my door? Are the kids in their rooms or sneaking out? Did the clock stop or is it really still 1:45 am? Why can't I go outside and play in the rain? Do people really read these blogs? Am I really so exciting that four different guys want to pursue me? What is going to keep me busy for the next six hours? Should I sleep tomorrow or watch the Olympics? After all, they're only on every four years. Am I loosing my mind?

Forgive me if this blog is a bit scattered...I'm trying really hard just to keep my eyes open...

My main purpose for this blog is this: I've been reading the "Mark of the Lion" series by Francine Rivers for the seventh or eighth time. (Side note. If you haven't read these books, borrow or buy them and read them. Seriously. They'll change your life - quite possibly some of the best books I have ever read in my life.) In the first book, there is this quote: "Jesus forgave the thief, but he didn't take him down off the cross." I never caught the significance of that statement until I read the book this time. I read it about two weeks ago, and I am still mulling over it. I am not even sure what I want to write here - still so many thoughts regarding it.

I looked up the verses where the thief and Jesus had this interaction. It's in Luke 23.42-43. Basically, one thief is insulting Jesus, while the other says, "Shut up! This guy has done nothing wrong, unlike SOMEONE else I know" (courtesy Laurie paraphrasing). Then the second thief asks Jesus to remember him. Jesus responds by saying, "I tell you the truth, today you WILL be with me in paradise". (That's not Laurie paraphrasing...that's the real deal.) The way I see it, Jesus had two choices. One, he could have said, "Yay! You finally got it! Go ahead and get down off that cross - you don't have to die today. Go tell everyone the truth about me." Instead, he chose option two - let the natural consequences play out, but all the while reassuring the thief about where he stands. At that moment in the thief's life, the thief realized the consequences of the choices he made. He asked for forgiveness, and was granted it. He didn't ask to be taken off the cross. It's as if he accepted the consequences. Maybe I'm way off...

(In case you were wondering, the kids are all sleeping in their beds...no problems so far.)

After thinking about that, I started thinking about the kids at work. They miss this concept! Well, they miss a lot more, but this can be said of normal everyday happenings. I see it a lot with these kids. Or rather, I see them almost to the point of the thief. They ask forgiveness for the stupid things they do (and trust me - they do A LOT of stupid things...) from all the staff, from JPD, from their probation officers, etc. Sometimes, these people do "forgive" the kids - they give them another chance - they take them off the cross. The majority of the time, however, we let the natural consequences occur. We may forgive them, but we leave them hanging on the cross. It sounds so cruel. But sometimes the best way to help the kids is to let them hurt; let them go to jail; let them be sick because the drug they took is making their system go haywire. Again, I may be way off base...

When I look at my own life, I see the many many times I have begged for forgiveness - from parents, friends, family, God - and they have graciously given it to me. But I am still left hanging on my cross - the one I put myself on. "Jesus forgave the thief, but he didn't take him down off the cross." It's what we as humans want. We want a life free of the pain we bring on ourselves. But sometimes God doesn't work that way. At least not in my life. Does he forgive us? Absolutely. Does he still love us? Unconditionally. Does he hurt with us? I think he does. Remember - the thieves weren't the only ones on the cross...

Again, maybe I am so far off - it is 2:45 am now. I'd like to hear your thoughts.

I miss you all still! Hope you are doing great! Love you!

Blessings!